Dear Friends and Loved Ones:
It has come to my attention (because he threatened me with it!) that my colleague Keith Melton is spreading some frankly bizarre rumors. Now, keep in mind that since I do happen to LOVE his book, Blood Vice, I give Keith a lot of leeway. For example, when he starts stubbornly insisting that “cuisinarted” is a real verb, do I insist he go take his medications? No. No I do not.
So what do I get in return? Well, if you haven’t seen it yet, you can go to Keith’s blog to read his inflammatory post.
According to Keith, not only am I heading a cult, but I have given up writing erotic romances to become a Shaolin monk.
Sigh.
First of all, there is no “cult.” I simply like to tweet about how much I love avocados. Who doesn’t love avocados? Secondly, though I admit to slamming my face into doors and breaking my foot, it was NOT because of my training to become a monk. That’s silly. Why, you may as well say I was training to take down a too-talkative author. ::Meaningful Pause::
I don’t know why Keith has felt the need to print such ridiculous things. I suspect it has a lot to do with his deep prejudice against all those who support that cartoon bastion of feminist ideals, Jem.
OR maybe he’s scared I’ll reveal HIS secret. Of course, I would never do that. I am too classy to reveal that Mr. Melton is a Harlequin romance hero from the 1980′s. I could never tell the whole world that he’s a Greek/Sheik/Italian billionaire with a mullet who impregnates virgin secretaries with a single look, delivers punishing kisses, and generally acts kinda like a tool until the last ten pages or so. Nope, I won’t tell.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must get started on my new novel, Po jie da shi. I smell a blockbuster.
I hope this can be the end of the matter.
Sincerely,
Alisha Tso’rai
Oyvey, sometime I don’t understand people. Good for you Alisha for setting things straight & moving along.
LOL!
Sigh. I totally agree. Thanks for commiserating.
I could totally see Keith as the “Greek/Sheik/Italian billionaire with a mullet who impregnates virgin secretaries with a single look.”
Of course, that might have something to do with the rumor he started about me consuming red dye #5 and going out of control…
(What? Doesn’t everyone love red velvet cake???)
Gasp! I forgot about the red dye incident, Hailey. There, there. I think I fixed Mr. Melton’s loose lips.
“I could totally see Keith as the “Greek/Sheik/Italian billionaire with a mullet who impregnates virgin secretaries with a single look.””
There may be an overabundance of chest hair and a mustache involved as well. Maybe some aviator sunglasses.
I rock the aviator shades.
Unfortunately, in the 80s I was in grammar school. So… no mustache. Or Harelquin cover assignments.
Nice try though.
Next you’ll be on twitter saying: “Oh no, I broke two knuckles trying to change a light bulb” but we’ll all *know* you were punching through concrete cinderblocks as part of your training.
Mmmhmm. Exactly.
And Hailey, I was just trying to make excuses for why you broke that paparazzi’s camera while screaming about how no one could photograph the kittens you rescued from Malaysia. I totally had your back. And I only told TMZ about the red dye problem, and they’re very tight-lipped.
A likely story. >:
And those light bulbs ARE diabolical.
Hot billionaires? What? I didn’t read anything else besides that XD Sign me up!
And…I-I love avocados too >>
You can be in our club too!!! Mr. Melton will probably call you a cult member
. I apologize in advance for him.
Apropos of nothing, I was kind of hoping someone would google the name of my brand new blockbuster novel. I am a big enough geek that I did RESEARCH for this blog post, y’all. I guess I’ll just have to pat myself on my back. ::Pat pat::
I don’t mind an avocado cult. Can we bring some um…yummy guys?
[...] Once I was done rolling my eyes, I promptly responded on my blog and revealed his true secret. [...]